Organized Chaos

It all started when I entered the college realm. When the first day of school arrived, I felt uneasy and anxious. I was so full of expectations regarding my teachers and new classmates. How I wish that my recent colleagues when I was in highschool is here, so that I will not be outcast here. Everyone looks like they know each other then; they’re so close to each other. While myself is still invisible to everybody. I hate this feeling. My phobia is fear of being alone, afraid of no one to be with. Still, I went to school with no one to talk to. I don’t have the chance to open my mouth and utter any single word I want to share. I was never given a chance. Since then, I got one pal named Laura. She’s the one who offered me a possibility to make my college life more meaningful and colorful. We get closer each time we’re together. I feel comfortable whenever she’s there. Maybe it’s the right time for me to tell my entire feeling towards her. I decided to take one step forward on her…I want to court her. But she refused to accept my love. She didn’t give me a chance to merit my devotion. She’s just like the other who pays no attention when it comes to me. Am I born to be rejected? After that moment, she began ignoring me. We will cross our way like we don’t know each other. Everything was dumped into nothing. I’m just rubbish for her.

The most anticipated event took place. Everyone should attend the prom and it’s a must to prepare for this awaited day. I was obliged to be there. Again, I felt alone and superfluous. And suddenly, the star of my night came. She was wearing a pink gown with a gorgeous make-up on his face. Very beautiful…no! Very magnificent. She was escorted by a tall man. I think he is Laura’s boyfriend. How sad that my princess was taken away from me. All through that night, Laura is all I can think. Wherever she goes, my eyes followed. I don’t want to miss any glimpse on her. I want to bring back the closeness we have yesterday. I want her back. She’s so happy with his partner. They dance over a long period of time. I’m longing for her. I want to take her in the center of the crowd….dancing just like there are no people around. I just chose to be alone, drinking wine to forget all the pains I endure. I’m already drank. I got a confidence to invite Laura to dance. When I lend my hand to her, she allowed to do my request without hesitations. We dance like its forever.

“Kamusta ka na?”, I asked. “Alam mo bang namiss kita?”

“Ok lang ako, ikaw? Hindi ka pa rin nagbabago…” she replied.

“Lalo kang gumanda. at lalo pa kitang minamahal”, I said while staring at her.

She reacted silently. Her eyes can’t look straight to me. She feels very conscious. I asked her if she is happy with her boyfriend. And she responded with a smile showing she does. I’m hurting inside. I can’t accept the fact that she is happy with somebody. I don’t know how I’m going to conceal the sore in my heart. I want to explode every anxiety and disturbance that makes me inert and lifeless.

“Mahal mo ba talaga siya?”, I told her.

“Mahal na mahal…”, she said.

“Pag sinaktan ka niya, andito lang ako ha?”, my last words.

=Bang!=

And now, I killed myself with my gun. The reason why I did it? So I will always be forever on her side. And just like what I promised to her, I will wait for her comeback… Hoping that in second life… She’ll be my forever partner until my last dance…

While watching television

I’m slowly dropping my vision

The lights are gone in horizon

What will be the reason?

Always unseen and wrong

Holding you all along

Still, I’m trying to be strong

The end of our broken song…

You kept on passing by

Just like I’m not alive

Yet, you didn’t tell me why

Leaving without goodbye…

I woke up in the morning

Watching when you’re sleeping

Hoping that you are dreaming

Realizing I’m here waiting…

Vows are abruptly shattered

All memories are scattered

Looks like you’re unbothered

Losing our shared laughter…

I wish I can take it all

Longing to stand so tall

Yeah, hoping for a call

To a guardian angel that fall…

So before you sleep in your bed

Listen on things to be heed

Would I stay in your head?

When I’m gone and dead?

DJ Hearty: Good evening to all our listeners tonight, we have a great story to be read right now and it is coming from our letter sender named Kenneth…

“My name is Kenneth from Laguna. I have this story of mine that needs to be answered and I hope that this purpose of my letter will be granted. My story began when I was 18 of age. I was invited on my friend’s birthday. I was pretty excited because I know that this will be amusing and fun. Unfortunately, before that awaited day of my pal, I got sick. So I didn’t have the chance to go along with them and I call up my friend that I will not be able to attend her party. The only opportunity for me to be a part of her birthday was to look at their picture during that day. They were all happy all through the celebration and I regret that I missed to see my old friends when I was in highschool. Then there is this guy that caught my attention. His smile was odd and yet, it was gorgeous. I ask my friend if who’s that guy from the picture and she answered that it was a friend of his brother. I found out that he was Peter. Then I started a joke that I already love this anonymous guy. And I guess I do. My friends arose from teasing me to him. I want to meet him personally, super! Afterwards, I initiated to greet him always on the radio, saying that I love him. Take note: I am mentioning his full name so he will hear it. I don’t know why I am doing all this insanity and I really don’t know how I get the confidence to spread my feelings to him in the air. I think I’m really falling for him. Surprisingly, he heard all the craziness I’ve did on the radio. And my friend told me that Peter is interested to meet me in personal. So I said why not? Right? I really feel nervous and anxious to be acquainted and introduced to him. And that very day came; I am again provoked to attend an occasion. I will perform a special number on stage because I’m a good singer. After that presentation, I went to a circle of friends and I saw the smile that caught my attention on my friend’s birthday party photos. I think he was Peter that I’ve come to love. He was smiling to me and I get conscious because he was always looking in me intentionally. My friends make fun of us, they placed me beside him. I was totally blushing. I can’t believe that I’m sitting here close to him. So I didn’t resist their trip and I decided to go home because my mother will scold me again if I got home late. Peter followed me and requested me to stay. But I refused to do it; we just exchanged each other’s number so we will have a chance again to get along together. Then, I leave him hurriedly. I was really happy; I didn’t expect that this will happen. Two days after that night, he texted me for a friendly date and I was pushed to do it. Our ways entwined again and I think he was too quite humble and gentleman on how he acted towards me. He said that he is glad that he finally met me. So I respond that I feel the same way too. All of a sudden, he uttered unpredicted words that astonished me. He said that he’s learning to love me and he can’t forget me from the first time he saw me. I react silently. I don’t know the right words to say. I want to say that I love him too but I can’t. That time ended in that stiff moment. I don’t want to be played on. After a week, I heard news that Peter has a girlfriend. It hurts me so much. I can’t believe it. From the first place of his confession, he is starting to make fun of me. I don’t plan to steal him from that girl. I have nothing against it because I have nothing to do. “I’m just a girl trapped in a man’s body”. I don’t have the right to be happy. I will stick forever in what I am today. I have no place in this world and no place for Peter’s heart. A year later, my friend’s birthday came again, I wasn’t excited at all. What I remember in that day was Peter. I don’t want to see him there. I’m tired of burning by his flame. Still, I should go because my friend will be mad at me if I will not attend at her party again. So what will I expect again? Peter will be there all over again. He asked me to decipher our problem. He said that he loves me so much and he don’t want to hurt me.

DJ Hearty, help me in this problem. How can I pay no heed to Peter’s presence? How can I cast away all these feelings I have for him? Will I accept his no assurance love? Or just escape from all those lies that he imparted? Will I choose to be hurt by choosing my false heart? Or to be hurt by choosing the right way on what my mind implies?

Help me… Thank you… From your avid listener – Kenneth.”

DJ Hearty: Now, send your comment/reaction/advice here in the “answer that will never be found”…