Organized Chaos

It all started when I entered the college realm. When the first day of school arrived, I felt uneasy and anxious. I was so full of expectations regarding my teachers and new classmates. How I wish that my recent colleagues when I was in highschool is here, so that I will not be outcast here. Everyone looks like they know each other then; they’re so close to each other. While myself is still invisible to everybody. I hate this feeling. My phobia is fear of being alone, afraid of no one to be with. Still, I went to school with no one to talk to. I don’t have the chance to open my mouth and utter any single word I want to share. I was never given a chance. Since then, I got one pal named Laura. She’s the one who offered me a possibility to make my college life more meaningful and colorful. We get closer each time we’re together. I feel comfortable whenever she’s there. Maybe it’s the right time for me to tell my entire feeling towards her. I decided to take one step forward on her…I want to court her. But she refused to accept my love. She didn’t give me a chance to merit my devotion. She’s just like the other who pays no attention when it comes to me. Am I born to be rejected? After that moment, she began ignoring me. We will cross our way like we don’t know each other. Everything was dumped into nothing. I’m just rubbish for her.

The most anticipated event took place. Everyone should attend the prom and it’s a must to prepare for this awaited day. I was obliged to be there. Again, I felt alone and superfluous. And suddenly, the star of my night came. She was wearing a pink gown with a gorgeous make-up on his face. Very beautiful…no! Very magnificent. She was escorted by a tall man. I think he is Laura’s boyfriend. How sad that my princess was taken away from me. All through that night, Laura is all I can think. Wherever she goes, my eyes followed. I don’t want to miss any glimpse on her. I want to bring back the closeness we have yesterday. I want her back. She’s so happy with his partner. They dance over a long period of time. I’m longing for her. I want to take her in the center of the crowd….dancing just like there are no people around. I just chose to be alone, drinking wine to forget all the pains I endure. I’m already drank. I got a confidence to invite Laura to dance. When I lend my hand to her, she allowed to do my request without hesitations. We dance like its forever.

“Kamusta ka na?”, I asked. “Alam mo bang namiss kita?”

“Ok lang ako, ikaw? Hindi ka pa rin nagbabago…” she replied.

“Lalo kang gumanda. at lalo pa kitang minamahal”, I said while staring at her.

She reacted silently. Her eyes can’t look straight to me. She feels very conscious. I asked her if she is happy with her boyfriend. And she responded with a smile showing she does. I’m hurting inside. I can’t accept the fact that she is happy with somebody. I don’t know how I’m going to conceal the sore in my heart. I want to explode every anxiety and disturbance that makes me inert and lifeless.

“Mahal mo ba talaga siya?”, I told her.

“Mahal na mahal…”, she said.

“Pag sinaktan ka niya, andito lang ako ha?”, my last words.

=Bang!=

And now, I killed myself with my gun. The reason why I did it? So I will always be forever on her side. And just like what I promised to her, I will wait for her comeback… Hoping that in second life… She’ll be my forever partner until my last dance…